Sometimes, It feels like I'm in a battle with myself. I know what kind of person I need to be to even be able to live with myself.Hurting another person, hurts me more emotionally. The idea of it disturbs my mind and my peace....So I try to stay away from it in every way I can.Or I thought I had.Someone I really love revealed to me that I had caused him alot of hurt. This is some I love so very much,the idea of a world without someone so beautiful and kind is one i cant even imagine living in.
There is a person I hide behind when IM faced with emotions that I MYSELF interpret as weak:sad...remorse..love?
Strange thing is ....LOVE is everything to me. Love has protected me all my life. I'm so spoiled with it and surrounded by it...I cant even understand it sometimes. Someone I love said "we have so much of it we could afford to stand outside and hand it out infinitely.
I love my family so much there is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn't do for them. for him, for her... NOTHING.
I think that at times made me feel...weak.
Knowing that I can't protect them from everything all the time would mess with my mind. I'm quite frankly...a dominant person.I enter a situation wanting to control everything about it instantly. When i can't control something...like the well being of my family. I get scared...anxious...worried. I wanna know whats wrong before anything is wrong so I can fight it and fix it.
Take me, not them. NOT EVER THEM.
wanting to control my family's constant well being and happiness...the need for them to always wanting to happy and...strong is a love that is so absolute, so powerful....SO REAL I cant do with out it. not ever.
and Knowing that I can't do without it leads to me doing everything in this world..it leads ...to MAKING SURE that I don't ever have to live in a world without them.
but you can't guarantee anything in life.
I get so defensive in my worry for that, that It feels like i try to be the only bad thing that happens to them...my tantrum or moodiness...because I'd never be worse than that.
But that's also not who I can live with being. Love doesn't play by any one's rules. Love just...IS. it was before me and it'll be around long after. You can't be an asshole, and think the person always loves you enough to forgive you. Yes there are people that love so much they would forgive ANYTHING....but they will also begin to resent you. and have hurt feelings. Love is not at a 100% in those kind of situations. Do you know how great love can be? Think about those crazy stories about mothers suddenly gaining super strength a la 'HULK" and lifting a car when her child is stuck under. Ever heard of "Broken heart syndrome"? its when you experience extreme shock to the point where your heart mimics a heart attack. loosing a loved one can stop your heart. the thought of loosing (or act actually loosing) a great love can shock your body to the point where your damn heart stops beating.
Love is the path to a strength and peace so beautiful and strong...its unbelievable.
Bonds between people can get so strong the loss of it is just something we don't ever want to think about.
For a long time, the only way to come with that constant fear was to be defensive. I thought if my amazing family understood how extreme my love is....how far I would go to not never ever have to face a world without them.....that everything else wasn't as important.
silence can be hurtful...words that come out of your mouth from defensive and self-protecting perspective on your end, can be perceived as hate from the receiving perspective. the person you love and are exposing to your tantrums and moodiness (that stem from your own fear) can start feeling and believing...that you don't love them. wow...that hurts. The thought of someone id give my life to thinking that i HATE them? that's heavy. And so far from the truth.
I have alot of short comings I'm working on myself on. I vow to tell the people I love that i LOVE them. even if we're fighting/
raising my voice at them is no option ever. never go to sleep angry at one another.
pay attention to what makes them happy. get a nice big smile out of them at least once a day.
nd I've done well on these promises..i've also 'fallen of the wagon of self growth' more times than I'd like.but I can do better. and I will.Love is absolute. The risk of hurt is there...but that's the price. Love Is precious...loosing it is SUPPOSED to hurt. so basically love without the high pain taxes in 'risk of loss' doesn't exist. it goes hand in hand. "Project Abel" is something I'm glad i started...my brother means alot to me, and helping people with the name that defines kindness to me, is something that makes me feel like....this life I have could be pretty cool.I might be able to do some good in this world. However small however big. just something other than just existing. I think music and painting has had such a huge meaning in my life because..its where all these I LOVE YOU'sthat i neglected to say...went there. and now as I've grown and gotten more out of this 'safe zone'...i express myself so much more.I feel the need to express and inspire in my lyrics.
Stronger and better.
Always growing, always writing the emotion openly and to myself, So I know its not a dream:) this kind of happiness exists. and its now.
Smile without being afraid and scarring yourself into how you'd ever handle life without them. Love without worrying. Be free.
I love working on myself. I love knowing...love.
There is a person I hide behind when IM faced with emotions that I MYSELF interpret as weak:sad...remorse..love?
Strange thing is ....LOVE is everything to me. Love has protected me all my life. I'm so spoiled with it and surrounded by it...I cant even understand it sometimes. Someone I love said "we have so much of it we could afford to stand outside and hand it out infinitely.
I love my family so much there is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn't do for them. for him, for her... NOTHING.
I think that at times made me feel...weak.
Knowing that I can't protect them from everything all the time would mess with my mind. I'm quite frankly...a dominant person.I enter a situation wanting to control everything about it instantly. When i can't control something...like the well being of my family. I get scared...anxious...worried. I wanna know whats wrong before anything is wrong so I can fight it and fix it.
Take me, not them. NOT EVER THEM.
wanting to control my family's constant well being and happiness...the need for them to always wanting to happy and...strong is a love that is so absolute, so powerful....SO REAL I cant do with out it. not ever.
and Knowing that I can't do without it leads to me doing everything in this world..it leads ...to MAKING SURE that I don't ever have to live in a world without them.
but you can't guarantee anything in life.
I get so defensive in my worry for that, that It feels like i try to be the only bad thing that happens to them...my tantrum or moodiness...because I'd never be worse than that.
But that's also not who I can live with being. Love doesn't play by any one's rules. Love just...IS. it was before me and it'll be around long after. You can't be an asshole, and think the person always loves you enough to forgive you. Yes there are people that love so much they would forgive ANYTHING....but they will also begin to resent you. and have hurt feelings. Love is not at a 100% in those kind of situations. Do you know how great love can be? Think about those crazy stories about mothers suddenly gaining super strength a la 'HULK" and lifting a car when her child is stuck under. Ever heard of "Broken heart syndrome"? its when you experience extreme shock to the point where your heart mimics a heart attack. loosing a loved one can stop your heart. the thought of loosing (or act actually loosing) a great love can shock your body to the point where your damn heart stops beating.
Love is the path to a strength and peace so beautiful and strong...its unbelievable.
Bonds between people can get so strong the loss of it is just something we don't ever want to think about.
For a long time, the only way to come with that constant fear was to be defensive. I thought if my amazing family understood how extreme my love is....how far I would go to not never ever have to face a world without them.....that everything else wasn't as important.
silence can be hurtful...words that come out of your mouth from defensive and self-protecting perspective on your end, can be perceived as hate from the receiving perspective. the person you love and are exposing to your tantrums and moodiness (that stem from your own fear) can start feeling and believing...that you don't love them. wow...that hurts. The thought of someone id give my life to thinking that i HATE them? that's heavy. And so far from the truth.
I have alot of short comings I'm working on myself on. I vow to tell the people I love that i LOVE them. even if we're fighting/
raising my voice at them is no option ever. never go to sleep angry at one another.
pay attention to what makes them happy. get a nice big smile out of them at least once a day.
nd I've done well on these promises..i've also 'fallen of the wagon of self growth' more times than I'd like.but I can do better. and I will.Love is absolute. The risk of hurt is there...but that's the price. Love Is precious...loosing it is SUPPOSED to hurt. so basically love without the high pain taxes in 'risk of loss' doesn't exist. it goes hand in hand. "Project Abel" is something I'm glad i started...my brother means alot to me, and helping people with the name that defines kindness to me, is something that makes me feel like....this life I have could be pretty cool.I might be able to do some good in this world. However small however big. just something other than just existing. I think music and painting has had such a huge meaning in my life because..its where all these I LOVE YOU'sthat i neglected to say...went there. and now as I've grown and gotten more out of this 'safe zone'...i express myself so much more.I feel the need to express and inspire in my lyrics.
Stronger and better.
Always growing, always writing the emotion openly and to myself, So I know its not a dream:) this kind of happiness exists. and its now.
Smile without being afraid and scarring yourself into how you'd ever handle life without them. Love without worrying. Be free.
I love working on myself. I love knowing...love.
