"My last lover" by Hailee Araya aka heartbreak coma girl

Heartbreak coma girl.

I noticed him from afar. His locks, the way he moved to music. He was sweet.
He didn't instantly capture my soul or anything. He was just interesting...there was something strong
and passionate in him, I could tell.
He was fascinating to watch.
I remember him standing by next to me so they wouldn't bother me. It was packed in this club we met in.
musicians everywhere. They left him out somehow, his click. I never understood why.
He courted me, over a week or two. Called me just to chat...I never really knew what to say, This was new to me....
I guess I was used to guys treating me like crap and not interested in what I had to say. but he did.
or was he playing a game? pulling me in for the big KO? or was the fact that I was so suspicious of his 'niceguy' behavior a testament to just how paranoid and ruined I was?
I am paranoid- alarmingly so. sometimes I wonder where I will end up with that. maybe a mad cat woman with her children looking out for her? assuming I ever have children that is.
One day he came over my work place and kissed me. it was electric and we didn't want to let each other go.
a few days after that I mentioned I liked the water, so he took me by the water and kissed me some more.
Making love was inevitable. I had to have him and I loved it. I even loved the part where he broke my heart,
I was miserable but it was all a part of a cycle for me. Im convinced nothing lasts. make me fall hard, and break me hard...I expect it.
but id like to stop expecting it. Id like to get past faze one...and continue on to the next one. you know...the part where his friends become your friends and vice versa. The part where...you vacation together, have dinner together in your PJs (sexy PJ's on my part)..
That's another thing...for someone who pursues men who no doubt will lead to devastation, being a 'girlfriend' is something Id be killer in. As in, the idea of doting on someone...makes me happy. The idea of being in love, sexy lingerie, cooking, having him cook for me, making him smile, waking up next to someone....
I like it. I just never let it get there because the facts are, im afraid of commitment.
My last lover was beautiful...and he hurt my heart. I knew it was coming but its hard to estimate how bad the damage would be and he nearly stoped my heart.
I stayed in love for the first year without him. the next two years without him were prolonged detox. I cant even remember that one year there...I was so drugged up and a self induced heartbreak' coma i literally remember my joint, music, poetry, tears, dancing...more tears.
I was hurting so bad I was sure i would never recover.
until one day....I realised it had been a while since I thought of him. it just happens like that...when you get over someone.

My last lover....he hurt. He shut me down for years. and now, I'm realising how long he had been my last lover. only because I'm thinking of you as my new one. you're nothing like him. You're so beautiful, kind and...perfect. I adore your flaws and you don't seem to mind mine either :)
So i suppose its only natural for me to think about my last one.
I don't even know how to approach you differently. I don't know how to NOT expect you to break my heart.
I don't know how to be your lover without being cynical. skeptical. worried, afraid.
I don't even know how to be around you without smiling all the time. you make me smile. I want to kiss you constantly. the thought of making love to you is so charged i feel like id see the sun for the first time after it. you bring the sun with you. I want to spend days loving you, doting on you, touching you, kissing you everywhere. People would look at you envious. people would look at you wanting what you have. we'd show them what it actually looks like....love.
BUT...I don't know how to part with the sorrow within myself.
Ive grown reluctantly attached to it from all the times my heart broke. now its this vicious cycle.
I'm afraid i will work towards what i am used to. The cycle. you're going to have to outsmart me there buddy.
you know...stick around even when I suck. Stick around even when you don't get me.
part of the evil cycle is that 'stop' button I created years ago...I cant find it but I'm sure you can.
stick around. I still believe in love. so stick around. Love me. i promise I'm worth it.


Love
/Heartbreak-coma girl.

The truth about LOVE

o boy....when I go to this place...I'm in a world of confusion. LOVE...what does it look like....feel like?
is it what I think it is or something else?
I only come here when Im writing. I want to deliver love songs that will shake your world. maybe im kidding myself when i think i'll manage that but its still my goal. because i honestly think you deserve what I think it is.
His eyes, his smile, his touch....love is supposed to give you the right to drink in someone from head to toe.
To want every single part of them. To want to KNOW what every part of him/her feels like. To need, to miss, to want, to believe, to cry, to recover....and be reborn in his/her arms. Yes its a scary place but thats where magic lives. you will  NEVER be complete until you know this kind of love. the kind of love where the other person knows enough to destroy what you THINK is the negative you...but doesn't. the kind of love where....they know the dark side of you but infect it with light. the kind of love where....they see you....and they LOVE every inch of you. again and again...every night until you understand....you are his/her world. and thats all that matters.

Sex. It can be...a whatever thing for some. but two human beings uniting in that way...is anything but 'whatever'.
its a gateway to a world that is parallel to ours,....you feel joy, pain, power, weakness, lust, sorrow , earth and sky ALL AT ONCE.
for you to simplify something as intense as uniting yourself physically with another human being is doing yourself a great disservice. because it is so very powerful.

what is love? I don't know. I know what it looks like to me. When Im in love....you cant touch me. Im on top the world and tall enough to see the universe and then some.

It makes me want to kiss my man anytime I can. and if its not appropriate to kiss him...I kiss him anyway. Its always right to kiss him. he is mine..i want to touch him all the time. his face, his lips...his hands....i NEED to touch him to know im alive...to know HE is alive. to know our love is real.
Id want him ten times a day, if not more...id see the heaven and universe in his touch, and id never get enough. Id need him to get up and need him again to go to sleep.
His happiness would be the most important thing for me, cause he does the same for me. he makes sure im smiling....because he knows he is what i need TO smile.
love looks...fair, kind, real, honest, powerful, intense, sexual, romantic, surreal....real....sad, happy, tolerant, sufficient....more than you thought it would be....more than it ever should be.
it should never be this strong... but it is. it should never make you this....crazy. but it does-

the high you should be when you're in love....there should be NO words for. I KNOW this to be true about love. and that's my truth,



thats all.

Am I supposed to ?

I get what the worry is about. All the....'Am I supposed to"

Like

"Am I supposed to have done this much with my life by now?"
"Was I supposed to be like this?"
"Am I supposed to forgive this?"
"Am I supposed to do that?"

Your journey is unique to you, in every way possible. No two paths could ever be indentical. So many things shape a human being...a mind...a soul...a heart.
I get anxious when I think about how much I rushed my mind to maturity. I didnt like the clouds...I wanted to SEE the world ASAP. I just can't remember a time I didnt know....somethins up.
The world ha layers. Its infected by lies but its still made out of trush. So if you choose to, its there for you to see.

I never realised how loud everyone Else's voice can gt in ones head?

Im not supposed to  anything...but be myself and the truth. Its all I owe.

Power of love

Sometimes, It feels like I'm in a battle with myself. I know what kind of person I need to be to even be able to live with myself.Hurting another person, hurts me more emotionally. The idea of it disturbs my mind and my peace....So I try to stay away from it in every way I can.Or I thought I had.Someone I really love revealed to me that I had caused him alot of hurt. This is some I love so very much,the idea of a world without someone so beautiful and kind is one i cant even imagine living in.
There is a person I hide behind when IM faced with emotions that I MYSELF  interpret as weak:sad...remorse..love?
Strange thing is ....LOVE is everything to me. Love has protected me all my life. I'm so spoiled with it and surrounded by it...I cant even understand it sometimes. Someone I love said "we have so much of it we could afford to stand outside and hand it out infinitely.
I love my family so much there is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn't do for them. for him, for her... NOTHING.
I think that at times made me feel...weak.
Knowing that I can't protect them from everything all the time would mess with my mind. I'm quite frankly...a dominant person.I enter a situation wanting to control everything about it instantly. When i can't control something...like the well being of my family. I get scared...anxious...worried. I wanna know whats wrong before anything is wrong so I can fight it and fix it.
Take me, not them. NOT EVER THEM.
wanting to control my family's constant well being and happiness...the need for them to always wanting to happy and...strong is a love that is so absolute, so powerful....SO REAL I cant do with out it. not ever.
and Knowing that I can't do without it leads to me doing everything in this world..it leads ...to MAKING SURE that I don't ever have to live in a world without them.
but you can't guarantee anything in life.
I get so defensive in my worry for that, that It feels like i try to be the only bad thing that happens to them...my tantrum or moodiness...because I'd never be worse than that.
But that's also not who I can live with being. Love doesn't play by any one's rules. Love just...IS. it was before me and it'll be around long after. You can't be an asshole, and think the person always loves you enough to forgive you. Yes there are people that love so much they would forgive ANYTHING....but they will also begin to resent you. and have hurt feelings. Love is not at a 100% in those kind of situations. Do you know how great love can be? Think about those crazy stories about mothers suddenly gaining super strength a la 'HULK" and lifting a car when her child is stuck under. Ever heard of "Broken heart syndrome"? its when you experience extreme shock to the point where your heart mimics a heart attack. loosing a loved one can stop your heart. the thought of loosing (or act actually loosing) a great love can shock your body to the point where your damn heart stops beating.
Love is the path to a strength and peace so beautiful and strong...its unbelievable.
Bonds between people can get so strong the loss of it is just something we don't ever want to think about.
For a long time, the only way to come with that constant fear was to be defensive. I thought if my amazing family understood how extreme my love is....how far I would go to not never ever have to face a world without them.....that everything else wasn't as important.
silence can be hurtful...words that come out of your mouth from defensive and self-protecting perspective on your end, can be perceived as hate from the receiving perspective. the person you love and are exposing to your tantrums and moodiness (that stem from your own fear) can start feeling and believing...that you don't love them. wow...that hurts. The thought of someone id give my life to thinking that i HATE them? that's heavy. And so far from the truth.
I have alot of short comings I'm working on myself on. I vow to tell the people I love that i LOVE them. even if we're fighting/
raising my voice at them is no option ever. never go to sleep angry at one another.
pay attention to what makes them happy. get a nice big smile out of them at least once a day.
nd I've done well on these promises..i've also 'fallen of the wagon of self growth' more times than I'd like.but I can do better. and I will.Love is absolute. The risk of hurt is there...but that's the price. Love Is precious...loosing it is SUPPOSED to hurt. so basically love without the high pain taxes in 'risk of loss' doesn't exist. it goes hand in hand. "Project Abel" is something I'm glad i started...my brother means alot to me, and helping people with the name that defines kindness to me, is something that makes me feel like....this life I have could be pretty cool.I might be able to do some good in this world. However small however big. just something other than just existing. I think music and painting has had such a huge meaning in my life because..its where all these I LOVE YOU'sthat i neglected to say...went there. and now as I've grown and gotten more out of this 'safe zone'...i express myself so much more.I feel the need to express and inspire in my lyrics.

Stronger and better.
Always growing, always writing the emotion openly and to myself, So I know its not a dream:) this kind of happiness exists. and its now.

Smile without being afraid and scarring yourself into how you'd ever handle life without them. Love without worrying. Be free.

I love working on myself. I love knowing...love.

Hungry black eels

No one mentioned growing up is so damn....complicated. Its like life has all these shades....and in all of them...lives a different version of you. how do you please...or choose...ONE?

"Bum me a cigarette, buy me a beer till I'm happy to be here...happy to be here
with all of my family, hookers in heels and the men who watch them like hungry black eels....."

Today

 4 days till showtime and I'm so ready and excited!!

Its a beautiful day and I'M SMILING this fine morning:)

For the people you love.

So here I am. Its been a while since I've been back. Its normal to grow up and travel to see the world but wow...so much changed here. I was in my old room the other day (which has since been passed on to little bro as it was obviously the coolest room in tha house! lol) and I can't believe how much I changed.
I love music very much. This is where I sat wrote so many songs. I used to feel so...alone. I still do sometimes but its a self imposed loneliness and I'm teaching myself to stop hiding from the world. It can be very lonely to pursue this dream at times only because not everyone gets why you feel the need to go at it ALL THE TIME. So you end up isolating yourself so you don't have to keep explaining yourself.
Someone very close to me and my family passed away. I left for Europe much earlier than I intended to to make it to the funeral. I performed on a Sunday night last week, got on a flight early Monday morning, traveled all day before finally making it to the funeral Tuesday morning 2 hours before It started.
My heart is so sad. I feel very strongly and I'm very sad with myself for not having spoken to this beautiful human being (lets call this beautiful person Vanessa)  for so long. My own blood. I'm struggling with...sorrow that's made it into my heart and is just sitting there. Its almost like I'm punishing myself for not preventing this. How could I have? Did I get so obsessed with my goal that I forgot to be there? I always worry about that...what I'm missing when I'm busy trying so hard.
I work hard because music kept me from madness. I work hard because I love my family and I have seen how hard life is for a single mom...my mother is one and she raised us and provided us with more than what kids with two parents and 2 income household got. At one point my mother had 4 jobs. She slept 4 hours a night at best during those years. When I say my mother is a warrior, a soldier, a queen AN EMPRESS....I mean that. QUEEN from head down to her toe nails! All my friends love my mother because she does not know defeat. she would feed all my friends when I had them over, listen to their problems if they needed someone and shared the love she has in her. I work hard so I can put my mother in a castle where a Queen like her deserves to be. I work hard so my brother will never need anything. I work hard because I LOVE HARD.

I feel guilt because I wish I had been there for you Vanessa and because I wish I had loved you harder. believe me when I say I had every intention of having you with me. Whatever I build off of my dreams was intended to be shared with you as well. You were supposed to come too once im done "building".... my love. I always loved you.
I know I will begin to accept this soon. Right now it comes and goes..the sorrow.

I'm very excited about my music. My Album. I'm working the way I want and am not worried about what other think. Not to say that I'm being a douche and disregarding advice given to me by people that have been in the game longer. Never that. But I'm trusting myself more.
I don't know when I started questioning myself so much but it happened somewhere and people saw that in me and hurt me. I let the wrong people in my life, who didn't realise music is my friend.
Music would never ask me to sell myself for it. I can't even explain what kind of shameful people are out there waiting for you to get desperate for what you want so they can make you do things you would never do...in order to get it. Now im really not the one for that kind of BS but what hurts is...I really thought some of these people were my real friends..so it really hurt when I started to see their real colors. Im sure somewhere inside I heard a warning...and ignored it because I really prefer to see the best in someone. I hope people would do that for me so I always try that first. Honestly in some cases, just best to keep it moving. Listen to the signs and keep it moving.
I never got desperate because my mom was on the phone with me everyday telling me "I LOVE YOU". I could tell they didn't know what kind of passion burned in me because people were trying me as if I was desperate. Its hardly their fault. They're vultures in a world that breeds them. But I'm not a prey and never have been. Music protected me all my life because it was formed out of my mothers and brothers love. Don't you see how love has protected me? couldn't they tell? obviously not. God lives in music for me. I SEE him there.That's where my dialogue with god is, where my passion thrives, where the love for my family can multiply a million times...music is eyes into a world so deep and beautiful....you can't even describe it.
Its an accumulation of my love...and I thank my mother for teaching me and my brother to love so well. To forgive so well. to fight so hard. To always get up. Never get desperate. Get hungry. Find a way. Stay strong and Find a way that feels good to YOU.

what I failed to learn (and it truly is my failure alone) is how to forgive myself. You'll never know how I've punished myself. If it wasn't through self loath, it was through dealing with guys that would help make me feel worse about myself. I've dated very few guys in my life and am very naive on that front. I kinda wish I had dated more. Even just a nice outing..dinner, nice conversation, cute innocent stuff. Never did that till veeeeery late in my life. I started working for this dream early, and I did not want or need to chat with anyone else about anything else. I should have though.
When I say Naive, I don't mean that I was....ignorant. I knew these people In my life were bad. I entertained their behavior because I felt I deserved it. I'm not sure why. So basically if I was dealing with a bad man in my life...its not because he'd 'played' me...It was more like I was using that person to play myself. He'd be a tool in me playing and hurting...myself. Maybe I feel like this dream had cost my family alot? I really don't know. All I can tell you is I've nursed a very unhealthy amount of guilt and self hatred for a long time...and I never really knew it until I realised I've always known that and have been punishing myself as a result.
I don't know what It is i convinced myself I had done to deserve it but at some point in my life, my self worth plunged. All me though because I've always felt loved. I've always been loved.
But this world and the shit it exposes you to from things on TV to radio content designed to condition you...something convinced me I wasn't good enough.

Before I knew it, my surrounding was poison. and I had put myself there. I was an aggressive person that by the grace of god I'm here and not dead. I make it sound like I was some sort of hot tempered criminal. Not at all. I'm a good person and I do for others before I would do for myself. I'm a good person who was suppressing so much It took so little to make me explode. and I did. Id argue with anyone who got on my nerves....and the worst part? I'm unafraid. I don't care if you're 4 feet tall or 10 feet tall...I'm not scared of you. maybe  that's a warriors heart but a warriors heart with a fools temper is heading for an early grave. Im trying to say that I finally get it...what my mother has always said to me...and now im saying it to you: A person can only hurt you if you LET THEM.
Choose your friends and your inner circle very carefully. Make sure these people love you so they never pass judgement on you or cross you. 

After going through so much thanks to my own stubbornness...I see better. No matter how much I was ready to punish myself I never compromised myself. I just let people pass judgement, I held myself and my feelings hostage to the point where it only took you looking at me the wrong way to start something. Bad people can smell an angry person like that miles away. negativity breeds negativity.
I'm telling you that this is who I was up to a few months ago. Maybe even a few weeks ago. I don't know the date but I can tell you that I actually started praying consistently sometime ago praying for peace and peace was suddenly just there. I still get in my own way sometimes and struggle with shutting my mind of when its time to rest but at least now Its within my reach. peace. I've been an insomniac since the age of 12 and which is probably when I began to emotionally deteriorate. I became very...militant. Alot of things changed in my life around then and I wish I had talked more about how that made me feel then. I think I was a more emotional child than I ever knew.With an Empress for a mother (My mother is one of the best people in this world)...It would have been so easy. She is always there for me...I wish I had let her in more then. and My little brother...he is just amazing. I tormented him. yes siblings are known to behave hostile towards each other lol. But I love him very much...always have. So every time I mistreated him ..it cut my soul. see how I created a terrible cycle there? my conscience couldn't bare it so I turned on myself as I grew. But it was a journey that had to be made. So here I am today. With my mom and little brother as my best friends. touch them and its war lol (totally mean that btw)
I have a family that would follow me to hell and back. And they have.
I have a family I love so much I would go out on the street and sell my body down to my body parts to feed them if I had to. To be so blessed is more than anything material this world has to offer.

I try to sleep better and I do. I think that's another form of self punishment I've imposed on myself and its gradually getting better. I'm writing this post which is extremely personal really..to say..I see better. I welcome the journey and all my blessings. I look forward to my path with an open mind and spirit. I forgive myself. and so should you.Pay attention to how this world works and behavior from yourself that clearly isn't who you are. you'll know if you can't make it through a day without feeling anxious or sad. Forgive yourself. Know that the world and alot of people in it gain from you not being content with YOU...from hating how you look to hating how you feel. Understand and pay attention to the world you've chosen to live in. Its a world that's developed a taste for systematic mind Fuckery.
Make your mind strong...don't NEED things you don't need. wanting them is OK. Don't let this world make you need more than love. Go to work everyday for people you love. Stay out of trouble for the people you love. Keep your mind strong for the people you love. Keep good company...for the people You LOVE. Live for love

To my fans that are taking this journey with me (I can't believe I have fans!!)...Thank you! Its an honor to be in your life and connect through music and hopefully I'll meet as many of you as possible. ALL OF YOU if possible!! I should be so lucky:)  I'll never act perfect because....I'm not. I hope to always have a dialogue with you, be there for you, entertain you...and comfort you the same way music has done for me all my life.

I'm planning something cool with my baby PROJECT ABEL to celebrate Easter!
I cant wait to perform here in Europe. Im so very eager to hit that stage and sing! Im chasing that magical moment on stage when we're all connected. its gonna be EPIC!

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep."

Treyvon Martin 2012

Rehearsing for my performance tonight and It hit me-
Im Wearing a hoodie and holdin A mike
should I be concerned someone will gun me down 2nite? Mistake the Mike for a Gun perhaps? Follow
me from rehearsal to the venue?
Can't begin to express how proud I am of The President
 and people all over the world.
I already was a HEAT fan but now...I RESPECT them so very much for the stand they took. I will go out of my way from now on to support their games.
 THIS concerns all of us. We decide what goes.
Raise hell till this FILTHY RACIST excuse of a man
goes to Jail. Honestly, he may stand a better chance in staying alive IN JAIL. Can't be too sure though.
People generally dont respond to hate crime very well Mr Zimmerman.And I'll be damned if I let degenerates like YOU decide whats safe for ME to wear.

Im SO into the united states of TARA!

I'm  ashamed to say I JUST started the series..LOVE IT! so original....the characters really have depth and i sympathize so much with the children. I mean...I did think about how cool it would be to know what mom was like in her teens...but then the realization that there is a constant battle inside TARA's head made me see what a struggle her life is everyday.
Her family really is pretty amazing for adjusting to her and I think its great to see a real family on TV-the kind that stick by each  other. I'm still just on the second episode though so lol i'll update the review after a couple of more episodes:)

miss you

thats all