4 days till showtime and I'm so ready and excited!!
Its a beautiful day and I'M SMILING this fine morning:)
Its a beautiful day and I'M SMILING this fine morning:)
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
For the people you love.
So here I am. Its been a while since I've been back. Its normal to grow up and travel to see the world but wow...so much changed here. I was in my old room the other day (which has since been passed on to little bro as it was obviously the coolest room in tha house! lol) and I can't believe how much I changed.
I love music very much. This is where I sat wrote so many songs. I used to feel so...alone. I still do sometimes but its a self imposed loneliness and I'm teaching myself to stop hiding from the world. It can be very lonely to pursue this dream at times only because not everyone gets why you feel the need to go at it ALL THE TIME. So you end up isolating yourself so you don't have to keep explaining yourself.
Someone very close to me and my family passed away. I left for Europe much earlier than I intended to to make it to the funeral. I performed on a Sunday night last week, got on a flight early Monday morning, traveled all day before finally making it to the funeral Tuesday morning 2 hours before It started.
My heart is so sad. I feel very strongly and I'm very sad with myself for not having spoken to this beautiful human being (lets call this beautiful person Vanessa) for so long. My own blood. I'm struggling with...sorrow that's made it into my heart and is just sitting there. Its almost like I'm punishing myself for not preventing this. How could I have? Did I get so obsessed with my goal that I forgot to be there? I always worry about that...what I'm missing when I'm busy trying so hard.
I work hard because music kept me from madness. I work hard because I love my family and I have seen how hard life is for a single mom...my mother is one and she raised us and provided us with more than what kids with two parents and 2 income household got. At one point my mother had 4 jobs. She slept 4 hours a night at best during those years. When I say my mother is a warrior, a soldier, a queen AN EMPRESS....I mean that. QUEEN from head down to her toe nails! All my friends love my mother because she does not know defeat. she would feed all my friends when I had them over, listen to their problems if they needed someone and shared the love she has in her. I work hard so I can put my mother in a castle where a Queen like her deserves to be. I work hard so my brother will never need anything. I work hard because I LOVE HARD.
I feel guilt because I wish I had been there for you Vanessa and because I wish I had loved you harder. believe me when I say I had every intention of having you with me. Whatever I build off of my dreams was intended to be shared with you as well. You were supposed to come too once im done "building".... my love. I always loved you.
I know I will begin to accept this soon. Right now it comes and goes..the sorrow.
I'm very excited about my music. My Album. I'm working the way I want and am not worried about what other think. Not to say that I'm being a douche and disregarding advice given to me by people that have been in the game longer. Never that. But I'm trusting myself more.
I don't know when I started questioning myself so much but it happened somewhere and people saw that in me and hurt me. I let the wrong people in my life, who didn't realise music is my friend.
Music would never ask me to sell myself for it. I can't even explain what kind of shameful people are out there waiting for you to get desperate for what you want so they can make you do things you would never do...in order to get it. Now im really not the one for that kind of BS but what hurts is...I really thought some of these people were my real friends..so it really hurt when I started to see their real colors. Im sure somewhere inside I heard a warning...and ignored it because I really prefer to see the best in someone. I hope people would do that for me so I always try that first. Honestly in some cases, just best to keep it moving. Listen to the signs and keep it moving.
I never got desperate because my mom was on the phone with me everyday telling me "I LOVE YOU". I could tell they didn't know what kind of passion burned in me because people were trying me as if I was desperate. Its hardly their fault. They're vultures in a world that breeds them. But I'm not a prey and never have been. Music protected me all my life because it was formed out of my mothers and brothers love. Don't you see how love has protected me? couldn't they tell? obviously not. God lives in music for me. I SEE him there.That's where my dialogue with god is, where my passion thrives, where the love for my family can multiply a million times...music is eyes into a world so deep and beautiful....you can't even describe it.
Its an accumulation of my love...and I thank my mother for teaching me and my brother to love so well. To forgive so well. to fight so hard. To always get up. Never get desperate. Get hungry. Find a way. Stay strong and Find a way that feels good to YOU.
what I failed to learn (and it truly is my failure alone) is how to forgive myself. You'll never know how I've punished myself. If it wasn't through self loath, it was through dealing with guys that would help make me feel worse about myself. I've dated very few guys in my life and am very naive on that front. I kinda wish I had dated more. Even just a nice outing..dinner, nice conversation, cute innocent stuff. Never did that till veeeeery late in my life. I started working for this dream early, and I did not want or need to chat with anyone else about anything else. I should have though.
When I say Naive, I don't mean that I was....ignorant. I knew these people In my life were bad. I entertained their behavior because I felt I deserved it. I'm not sure why. So basically if I was dealing with a bad man in my life...its not because he'd 'played' me...It was more like I was using that person to play myself. He'd be a tool in me playing and hurting...myself. Maybe I feel like this dream had cost my family alot? I really don't know. All I can tell you is I've nursed a very unhealthy amount of guilt and self hatred for a long time...and I never really knew it until I realised I've always known that and have been punishing myself as a result.
I don't know what It is i convinced myself I had done to deserve it but at some point in my life, my self worth plunged. All me though because I've always felt loved. I've always been loved.
But this world and the shit it exposes you to from things on TV to radio content designed to condition you...something convinced me I wasn't good enough.
Before I knew it, my surrounding was poison. and I had put myself there. I was an aggressive person that by the grace of god I'm here and not dead. I make it sound like I was some sort of hot tempered criminal. Not at all. I'm a good person and I do for others before I would do for myself. I'm a good person who was suppressing so much It took so little to make me explode. and I did. Id argue with anyone who got on my nerves....and the worst part? I'm unafraid. I don't care if you're 4 feet tall or 10 feet tall...I'm not scared of you. maybe that's a warriors heart but a warriors heart with a fools temper is heading for an early grave. Im trying to say that I finally get it...what my mother has always said to me...and now im saying it to you: A person can only hurt you if you LET THEM.
Choose your friends and your inner circle very carefully. Make sure these people love you so they never pass judgement on you or cross you.
After going through so much thanks to my own stubbornness...I see better. No matter how much I was ready to punish myself I never compromised myself. I just let people pass judgement, I held myself and my feelings hostage to the point where it only took you looking at me the wrong way to start something. Bad people can smell an angry person like that miles away. negativity breeds negativity.
I'm telling you that this is who I was up to a few months ago. Maybe even a few weeks ago. I don't know the date but I can tell you that I actually started praying consistently sometime ago praying for peace and peace was suddenly just there. I still get in my own way sometimes and struggle with shutting my mind of when its time to rest but at least now Its within my reach. peace. I've been an insomniac since the age of 12 and which is probably when I began to emotionally deteriorate. I became very...militant. Alot of things changed in my life around then and I wish I had talked more about how that made me feel then. I think I was a more emotional child than I ever knew.With an Empress for a mother (My mother is one of the best people in this world)...It would have been so easy. She is always there for me...I wish I had let her in more then. and My little brother...he is just amazing. I tormented him. yes siblings are known to behave hostile towards each other lol. But I love him very much...always have. So every time I mistreated him ..it cut my soul. see how I created a terrible cycle there? my conscience couldn't bare it so I turned on myself as I grew. But it was a journey that had to be made. So here I am today. With my mom and little brother as my best friends. touch them and its war lol (totally mean that btw)
I have a family that would follow me to hell and back. And they have.
I have a family I love so much I would go out on the street and sell my body down to my body parts to feed them if I had to. To be so blessed is more than anything material this world has to offer.
I try to sleep better and I do. I think that's another form of self punishment I've imposed on myself and its gradually getting better. I'm writing this post which is extremely personal really..to say..I see better. I welcome the journey and all my blessings. I look forward to my path with an open mind and spirit. I forgive myself. and so should you.Pay attention to how this world works and behavior from yourself that clearly isn't who you are. you'll know if you can't make it through a day without feeling anxious or sad. Forgive yourself. Know that the world and alot of people in it gain from you not being content with YOU...from hating how you look to hating how you feel. Understand and pay attention to the world you've chosen to live in. Its a world that's developed a taste for systematic mind Fuckery.
Make your mind strong...don't NEED things you don't need. wanting them is OK. Don't let this world make you need more than love. Go to work everyday for people you love. Stay out of trouble for the people you love. Keep your mind strong for the people you love. Keep good company...for the people You LOVE. Live for love
To my fans that are taking this journey with me (I can't believe I have fans!!)...Thank you! Its an honor to be in your life and connect through music and hopefully I'll meet as many of you as possible. ALL OF YOU if possible!! I should be so lucky:) I'll never act perfect because....I'm not. I hope to always have a dialogue with you, be there for you, entertain you...and comfort you the same way music has done for me all my life.
I'm planning something cool with my baby PROJECT ABEL to celebrate Easter!
I cant wait to perform here in Europe. Im so very eager to hit that stage and sing! Im chasing that magical moment on stage when we're all connected. its gonna be EPIC!
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep."
I love music very much. This is where I sat wrote so many songs. I used to feel so...alone. I still do sometimes but its a self imposed loneliness and I'm teaching myself to stop hiding from the world. It can be very lonely to pursue this dream at times only because not everyone gets why you feel the need to go at it ALL THE TIME. So you end up isolating yourself so you don't have to keep explaining yourself.
Someone very close to me and my family passed away. I left for Europe much earlier than I intended to to make it to the funeral. I performed on a Sunday night last week, got on a flight early Monday morning, traveled all day before finally making it to the funeral Tuesday morning 2 hours before It started.
My heart is so sad. I feel very strongly and I'm very sad with myself for not having spoken to this beautiful human being (lets call this beautiful person Vanessa) for so long. My own blood. I'm struggling with...sorrow that's made it into my heart and is just sitting there. Its almost like I'm punishing myself for not preventing this. How could I have? Did I get so obsessed with my goal that I forgot to be there? I always worry about that...what I'm missing when I'm busy trying so hard.
I work hard because music kept me from madness. I work hard because I love my family and I have seen how hard life is for a single mom...my mother is one and she raised us and provided us with more than what kids with two parents and 2 income household got. At one point my mother had 4 jobs. She slept 4 hours a night at best during those years. When I say my mother is a warrior, a soldier, a queen AN EMPRESS....I mean that. QUEEN from head down to her toe nails! All my friends love my mother because she does not know defeat. she would feed all my friends when I had them over, listen to their problems if they needed someone and shared the love she has in her. I work hard so I can put my mother in a castle where a Queen like her deserves to be. I work hard so my brother will never need anything. I work hard because I LOVE HARD.
I feel guilt because I wish I had been there for you Vanessa and because I wish I had loved you harder. believe me when I say I had every intention of having you with me. Whatever I build off of my dreams was intended to be shared with you as well. You were supposed to come too once im done "building".... my love. I always loved you.
I know I will begin to accept this soon. Right now it comes and goes..the sorrow.
I'm very excited about my music. My Album. I'm working the way I want and am not worried about what other think. Not to say that I'm being a douche and disregarding advice given to me by people that have been in the game longer. Never that. But I'm trusting myself more.
I don't know when I started questioning myself so much but it happened somewhere and people saw that in me and hurt me. I let the wrong people in my life, who didn't realise music is my friend.
Music would never ask me to sell myself for it. I can't even explain what kind of shameful people are out there waiting for you to get desperate for what you want so they can make you do things you would never do...in order to get it. Now im really not the one for that kind of BS but what hurts is...I really thought some of these people were my real friends..so it really hurt when I started to see their real colors. Im sure somewhere inside I heard a warning...and ignored it because I really prefer to see the best in someone. I hope people would do that for me so I always try that first. Honestly in some cases, just best to keep it moving. Listen to the signs and keep it moving.
I never got desperate because my mom was on the phone with me everyday telling me "I LOVE YOU". I could tell they didn't know what kind of passion burned in me because people were trying me as if I was desperate. Its hardly their fault. They're vultures in a world that breeds them. But I'm not a prey and never have been. Music protected me all my life because it was formed out of my mothers and brothers love. Don't you see how love has protected me? couldn't they tell? obviously not. God lives in music for me. I SEE him there.That's where my dialogue with god is, where my passion thrives, where the love for my family can multiply a million times...music is eyes into a world so deep and beautiful....you can't even describe it.
Its an accumulation of my love...and I thank my mother for teaching me and my brother to love so well. To forgive so well. to fight so hard. To always get up. Never get desperate. Get hungry. Find a way. Stay strong and Find a way that feels good to YOU.
what I failed to learn (and it truly is my failure alone) is how to forgive myself. You'll never know how I've punished myself. If it wasn't through self loath, it was through dealing with guys that would help make me feel worse about myself. I've dated very few guys in my life and am very naive on that front. I kinda wish I had dated more. Even just a nice outing..dinner, nice conversation, cute innocent stuff. Never did that till veeeeery late in my life. I started working for this dream early, and I did not want or need to chat with anyone else about anything else. I should have though.
When I say Naive, I don't mean that I was....ignorant. I knew these people In my life were bad. I entertained their behavior because I felt I deserved it. I'm not sure why. So basically if I was dealing with a bad man in my life...its not because he'd 'played' me...It was more like I was using that person to play myself. He'd be a tool in me playing and hurting...myself. Maybe I feel like this dream had cost my family alot? I really don't know. All I can tell you is I've nursed a very unhealthy amount of guilt and self hatred for a long time...and I never really knew it until I realised I've always known that and have been punishing myself as a result.
I don't know what It is i convinced myself I had done to deserve it but at some point in my life, my self worth plunged. All me though because I've always felt loved. I've always been loved.
But this world and the shit it exposes you to from things on TV to radio content designed to condition you...something convinced me I wasn't good enough.
Before I knew it, my surrounding was poison. and I had put myself there. I was an aggressive person that by the grace of god I'm here and not dead. I make it sound like I was some sort of hot tempered criminal. Not at all. I'm a good person and I do for others before I would do for myself. I'm a good person who was suppressing so much It took so little to make me explode. and I did. Id argue with anyone who got on my nerves....and the worst part? I'm unafraid. I don't care if you're 4 feet tall or 10 feet tall...I'm not scared of you. maybe that's a warriors heart but a warriors heart with a fools temper is heading for an early grave. Im trying to say that I finally get it...what my mother has always said to me...and now im saying it to you: A person can only hurt you if you LET THEM.
Choose your friends and your inner circle very carefully. Make sure these people love you so they never pass judgement on you or cross you.
After going through so much thanks to my own stubbornness...I see better. No matter how much I was ready to punish myself I never compromised myself. I just let people pass judgement, I held myself and my feelings hostage to the point where it only took you looking at me the wrong way to start something. Bad people can smell an angry person like that miles away. negativity breeds negativity.
I'm telling you that this is who I was up to a few months ago. Maybe even a few weeks ago. I don't know the date but I can tell you that I actually started praying consistently sometime ago praying for peace and peace was suddenly just there. I still get in my own way sometimes and struggle with shutting my mind of when its time to rest but at least now Its within my reach. peace. I've been an insomniac since the age of 12 and which is probably when I began to emotionally deteriorate. I became very...militant. Alot of things changed in my life around then and I wish I had talked more about how that made me feel then. I think I was a more emotional child than I ever knew.With an Empress for a mother (My mother is one of the best people in this world)...It would have been so easy. She is always there for me...I wish I had let her in more then. and My little brother...he is just amazing. I tormented him. yes siblings are known to behave hostile towards each other lol. But I love him very much...always have. So every time I mistreated him ..it cut my soul. see how I created a terrible cycle there? my conscience couldn't bare it so I turned on myself as I grew. But it was a journey that had to be made. So here I am today. With my mom and little brother as my best friends. touch them and its war lol (totally mean that btw)
I have a family that would follow me to hell and back. And they have.
I have a family I love so much I would go out on the street and sell my body down to my body parts to feed them if I had to. To be so blessed is more than anything material this world has to offer.
I try to sleep better and I do. I think that's another form of self punishment I've imposed on myself and its gradually getting better. I'm writing this post which is extremely personal really..to say..I see better. I welcome the journey and all my blessings. I look forward to my path with an open mind and spirit. I forgive myself. and so should you.Pay attention to how this world works and behavior from yourself that clearly isn't who you are. you'll know if you can't make it through a day without feeling anxious or sad. Forgive yourself. Know that the world and alot of people in it gain from you not being content with YOU...from hating how you look to hating how you feel. Understand and pay attention to the world you've chosen to live in. Its a world that's developed a taste for systematic mind Fuckery.
Make your mind strong...don't NEED things you don't need. wanting them is OK. Don't let this world make you need more than love. Go to work everyday for people you love. Stay out of trouble for the people you love. Keep your mind strong for the people you love. Keep good company...for the people You LOVE. Live for love
To my fans that are taking this journey with me (I can't believe I have fans!!)...Thank you! Its an honor to be in your life and connect through music and hopefully I'll meet as many of you as possible. ALL OF YOU if possible!! I should be so lucky:) I'll never act perfect because....I'm not. I hope to always have a dialogue with you, be there for you, entertain you...and comfort you the same way music has done for me all my life.
I'm planning something cool with my baby PROJECT ABEL to celebrate Easter!
I cant wait to perform here in Europe. Im so very eager to hit that stage and sing! Im chasing that magical moment on stage when we're all connected. its gonna be EPIC!
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep."
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