I just wanted someone I could tell the whole truth to. You don't know what I deal with....you wouldn't believe it if I told you and now I can't.You made me feel so good at first. Then lies, so I had to lie too....and the whole thing turned to shit. you were supposed to be for me....my person. It never occurred to me that you'd have to be another person I should watch out for. I watch out for everyone, I don't have a choice.
I thought with you...my mind could rest.
I needed a real friend & a lover ..someone who could make my mind and body happy. whether it was forever or until we grew tired of each other. don't you get it? You did that just by being you.
The things I have to deal with are splitting me into a million peaces. My head hurts all the time.
I just needed one person to be an anchor , someone I could be myself with and tell everything to so it wouldn't be so heavy.
instead, you slowly turned into another person I had to act for. 'act' like I can't tell you're lying. 'act' like it didn't kill me when you called about a tweet instead of my Angel who was sick.
'act' like im Happy when I was in LA to see you when you wouldn't let me share that experience with my friends.
I've never been this out of my mind, this self destructive, this sensitive, this angry and this scared.
I wanna off myself everyday, i feel like im bleeding out of my eyes, ears, nose mouth and chest.
I wake up everyday with a stone on my chest. It hurts to breath. Im scared all the time. Im devastated all the time. Fuck depression, im dying. Im dying...
You think drugs and drinking was for attention? I get attention when I walk out the door, I wanted to stop going crazy. I only told you...that I was going crazy. I couldn't take one more disappointment at least for a while before we met and I knew that about myself so I wasn't looking to get close to anyone. but you seemed so safe and so kind.and you snuck it in the backdoor masked as a good feeling and good honest person. Which you are....a good person I mean. you're just not honest. Any self control and preservation that was in place for me went out the door. the stitches broke...my madness broke free and with it, all the pain I kept inside. everything im carrying, struggling with, hurting over, all of it. Its out. and there is no one here to help me with it. So instead of attacking you verbally with the kind of force, rage & bi-polar behavior you don't deserve, I'm removing you from my life.
we'll never get past it, there is no point in trying.
You know how Marilyn was all 'I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
This is my worst. This is when you met me.nothing can change that. This is when friends show what they''re made of. you should have known to worry less about how your lie would be perceived and be more about being a real friend. I would have forgiven you. everyone makes mistakes. You just kept lying.
Think about it. no one just spazzes out like I did. Ask yourself what could possibly be happening for me to fall apart this way. I wanted to tell you so bad.
This will never happen to me again, I will never break like this again. And unfortunately for you, i'll always associate you with abandoning me that one time when I was falling apart. That's why this hurts. everyone from this dark age of mine that contributed, cant stay in my life.
how's that for shitty luck (for me, not you lol)
I wish I never met you so I can meet you all over again. Under circumstances When I'm at my best and when you're comfortable enough to be completely honest with me.
Wouldn't that have been something?
oh well.
No comments:
Post a Comment