108 days of bikram yoga ---Challenge complete!!!

In the end I learned so much about myself. but man did 108 days of bikram yoga just kick my ass before it rewarded me. I completed it a little over a week ago and am just getting around to writing about it.
I went through weeks of Bikram where every class was just a peace of cake. super easy. Over before I'd had enough so i'd do a double. Then there were weeks were i'd only be 10 minutes into it and feeling like "ooo my god. i have another  80 minutes of this. I cant....I CAN'T!" Well, I don't bail unless i'm dead or dying so of course i'd finish the class even though I wanted to be anywhere BUT in a hot yoga room but what I love is what happened when I accepted that 1) I did not want to be in here today 2) This is good for my body and good for my spirit 3) I'm bored. how do I kill time?
and for me, that's when I really learned what yoga is about. See, I had a similar problem where I think during class 70 something...I hurt my back really bad. I pulled a muscle in Karate and kept aggressively working out thinking (hoping) It would go away. Nope, not only did it NOT go away, I (at one point in this journey of 108 days of Bikram Yoga) could not twist my body to the right or left.  I actually remember something POP when I was doing the 'standing Bow' posture on my left side...the pain shot straight from the left side of my spine, down to my bottom hip. It hurt to breath immediately after that posture. I had to sit down.

I wanna clarify that Bikram Yoga didn't hurt me. I hurt myself by not taking care of my body and backing off when I should have. I kept pushing and working out on an injured back and that's what ultimately did it. I'm all better now but it was awful at the time.

so what did I learn? going in with the attitude of 'how do I make this happen fast' is wrong and at the end of that class it's 90 minutes of your life you'll never get back. accepting that you're feeling and hoping it'll be quick is fine. but let's face it, no one held a gun to your head. you're there because you walked your two legs over to the stuido knowing it was gonna be hot as F*ck in there for a whole 90 minutes.
you still showed up. so on a bad day, accept that you're not walking in with the best attitude or enthusiasm but COMMIT to meditating, to guiding your thoughts towards strength if you're feeling weak, towards joy if you're feeling sad or negative in anyway....meditate. I'm not sure how many classes it took for me to realize that even on my "strongest days" where I performed like a beast as far as doing all the postures 100%, i'd been counting in my head how many more postures I had to go. I wasn't present in every posture,which is a very big loss for me.

THE UNLOCKING
So the biggest growth for me didn't happen just physically (even though I did get toned) I learned the most when I was too hurt physically or too tired to perform the majority of the postures. I had to sit down and be THERE. alone with my thoughts...without the postures to distract me. and honestly, wonderful things started happening when I did that. Wonderful things doesn't always mean things that feel good....sometimes I'd work through emotions and feelings that were negative but it's things that we generally lock all the way inside and don't let out easily. and that's not the best solution as it does manifest one way or another. We lock those emotions, bad memories and negativity in our muscles, in our neck, the arms, the shoulders. The only way past something is through it....atleast thats my truth. So the beauty of Yoga for me was in the unlocking.
working through all of it.

DEATH TO THE EGO
The unlocking happened for me when my ego got a nice dose of humble pie. I'm highly competitive (mostly with myself) and I was riding high on myself and loving the physical changes my body was experiencing as a result of 70 somethin classes of bikram yoga, pole dance work outs, Karate classes, crossfit...the works. I was working my body like a maniac.
and suddenly my back was out. my ego had nothing to feed it since I couldn't really do much at all in class. I couldn't 'show off' whoa...I can't tell you how bad this all felt emotionally. I had a routine that was in place and my emotional stability depended on executing that routine daily to the T.
I'd show up to Bikram class out of compulsion, not with the intention of healing myself. for nearly two weeks I just sat there everyday in class....tensing up when I had to do a posture so it wouldn't hurt. counting how many postures to go until one that I COULD DO would come up so I could't show people I was trying. I wasn't just a blob sitting there! I remember letting myself feel bad. letting myself think all these crazy thoughts because acknowledging they're there was the only way to change it. and that is how slowly my ego sat her sassy little ass down.



No one was looking at me judging! they're too busy trying to stay strong and focus on their OWN practice! but in my head, everyone is looking at me there sitting down thinking i'm lazy. they're thinking 'why is she even here if she's not gonna try?'....
then I'd defend myself against my own voices in my head 'you have no idea how much pain i'm in right now. please don't judge me'.
my goodness. how much unnecessary fear and negativity I carry came to light those two weeks I couldn't physically perform. I can't believe how awful I've been to myself. identifying that it's there and changing it has been one of the things i'm most thankful for. It wasn't an easy journey from that point on.
My back got better after those two weeks and on my first real back bend since I had gotten better, I got so dizzy I had to sit down. I got upset because I was ready to be strong in class again and I couldn't. I started accusing myself in my head that I was being dramatic. and then I said 'No i'm not. I'm not feeling strong today and that's ok. It's fine'. Kindness. Kindness is the most important thing in every single thing you do in your life. I always try to be kind to others but i'm exceptionally cruel to myself and I'm so happy that's changed.

I could go on and on but the bottom line is this. I don't count postures in class anymore. I don't fix my hair, I try not to fidget with my towel or clothes too much. I go in accepting what i'm feeling and if it's a positive feeling then my objective that day in class is to maximize it. i'll be in camel pose in my head singing 'here comes my baby, here she comes now and it comes as no surprise to me, it's with another guy' (it's in my happy song collection lol) I smile in the postures that aren't my favorite which makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

on a bad day (physical or emotional) the objective is to let whatever it is out, in every single posture. I repeat 'everything will be ok' and 'I love you' in my head and try my very best to let my heart know that in this class my mind and body are working together...every single muscle, joint, ligament, every single pulse and drop of blood inside mybody is 100% dedicated and ready to be used as a tool to work through and overcome any negativity or stress i'm stepping into class with. Your teacher is your co-pilot so pick them wisely. you gotta be able to count on them...for all of this. Thank you to all my wonderful teachers!

 Omri, you're amazing and an incredible coach. I think i did atleast 50 of the classes with you! your ability to address what's going on in my (and most peoples) mind I think is something alot of your yogi's appreciate. you have a great understanding for the pressures people put themselves under and make it a mission in every class to appeal to kindness. 'treat yourself with love' is the lesson I always learn in your class. you push because you care. Thank you!

 PJ your humor is unmatched. you're one of the teachers I discovered in this challenge and I was hooked from the first class with you. you call everyone out on their BS and I LOVE IT. you care and that's just the tough love I need sometimes!

Kathryn Leary- I could't love her more if I tried. we connect so well and there is just so much love and drive in her teaching. she is a  spiritually powerful woman ...you feel it the second you walk it there. I took a few of her classes when my back was injured because I needed to hear her TELL ME through her sayings and poetry that this was ok. I'm ok.

Patrick Lynch....what does one even say about Patrick 'Do it Deborah....DO THE POSTURE!!!' . I love him.

Chrystine Cooper. what a gentle soul. I try to go in with 100% sincerity and truth in her class because it gives me such joy to just be there and hear her guide you. she makes it fun and loves to make you smile.

Eddie Marco --one of the first teachers I took class with. I love his sarcasm, his witty remarks, all of it. He pushes and he REMEMBERS where you're at physically. No games with eddie...no sir lol.

They're not just my teachers at this point, they're my friends. and I gotta say, even to the teachers I don't routinely practice with or have yet to get to know properly...you make my day so much better during the days I do drop in your class and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so dedicated to your work. you make all the difference for alot of us. Muaaah!!!
xoxo