"My last lover" by Hailee Araya aka heartbreak coma girl

Heartbreak coma girl.

I noticed him from afar. His locks, the way he moved to music. He was sweet.
He didn't instantly capture my soul or anything. He was just interesting...there was something strong
and passionate in him, I could tell.
He was fascinating to watch.
I remember him standing by next to me so they wouldn't bother me. It was packed in this club we met in.
musicians everywhere. They left him out somehow, his click. I never understood why.
He courted me, over a week or two. Called me just to chat...I never really knew what to say, This was new to me....
I guess I was used to guys treating me like crap and not interested in what I had to say. but he did.
or was he playing a game? pulling me in for the big KO? or was the fact that I was so suspicious of his 'niceguy' behavior a testament to just how paranoid and ruined I was?
I am paranoid- alarmingly so. sometimes I wonder where I will end up with that. maybe a mad cat woman with her children looking out for her? assuming I ever have children that is.
One day he came over my work place and kissed me. it was electric and we didn't want to let each other go.
a few days after that I mentioned I liked the water, so he took me by the water and kissed me some more.
Making love was inevitable. I had to have him and I loved it. I even loved the part where he broke my heart,
I was miserable but it was all a part of a cycle for me. Im convinced nothing lasts. make me fall hard, and break me hard...I expect it.
but id like to stop expecting it. Id like to get past faze one...and continue on to the next one. you know...the part where his friends become your friends and vice versa. The part where...you vacation together, have dinner together in your PJs (sexy PJ's on my part)..
That's another thing...for someone who pursues men who no doubt will lead to devastation, being a 'girlfriend' is something Id be killer in. As in, the idea of doting on someone...makes me happy. The idea of being in love, sexy lingerie, cooking, having him cook for me, making him smile, waking up next to someone....
I like it. I just never let it get there because the facts are, im afraid of commitment.
My last lover was beautiful...and he hurt my heart. I knew it was coming but its hard to estimate how bad the damage would be and he nearly stoped my heart.
I stayed in love for the first year without him. the next two years without him were prolonged detox. I cant even remember that one year there...I was so drugged up and a self induced heartbreak' coma i literally remember my joint, music, poetry, tears, dancing...more tears.
I was hurting so bad I was sure i would never recover.
until one day....I realised it had been a while since I thought of him. it just happens like that...when you get over someone.

My last lover....he hurt. He shut me down for years. and now, I'm realising how long he had been my last lover. only because I'm thinking of you as my new one. you're nothing like him. You're so beautiful, kind and...perfect. I adore your flaws and you don't seem to mind mine either :)
So i suppose its only natural for me to think about my last one.
I don't even know how to approach you differently. I don't know how to NOT expect you to break my heart.
I don't know how to be your lover without being cynical. skeptical. worried, afraid.
I don't even know how to be around you without smiling all the time. you make me smile. I want to kiss you constantly. the thought of making love to you is so charged i feel like id see the sun for the first time after it. you bring the sun with you. I want to spend days loving you, doting on you, touching you, kissing you everywhere. People would look at you envious. people would look at you wanting what you have. we'd show them what it actually looks like....love.
BUT...I don't know how to part with the sorrow within myself.
Ive grown reluctantly attached to it from all the times my heart broke. now its this vicious cycle.
I'm afraid i will work towards what i am used to. The cycle. you're going to have to outsmart me there buddy.
you know...stick around even when I suck. Stick around even when you don't get me.
part of the evil cycle is that 'stop' button I created years ago...I cant find it but I'm sure you can.
stick around. I still believe in love. so stick around. Love me. i promise I'm worth it.


Love
/Heartbreak-coma girl.