self growth and fire alarms.

A few months ago I made a decision. I will do everything i can to keep a negative feeling from overwhelming me but resisting the urge to snap at something that's frustrating you is almost....like going through detox (no idea what detoxing is like BTW but i have friends and loved ones that have) its REALLY HARD! I should explain that i was never the type to snap out of thin air. I'm the type that has an overreaction to something. I don't start drama, but i take things personal then it just sits there in my mind and hurts me while people move on. its not healthy.
So, quitting 'cold turkey' was not an option. i started slowly. i tried to smile when i draw a breath to say something snappy. It could be that the girl in the store is talking on the phone instead of looking at me when I'm paying. it could be the kitchen getting my order wrong AND having an attitude about it.....see what i mean? that stuff sets me off really quick

its not pretty or tuff or sexy. just annoying, and not too good for me as a person cause in the moment...i feel like i can take on ANYONE. Self control is gracious and sign of growth. Loosing your temper easily simply displays immaturity.
But I've also noticed that me being ill tempered has had to do with my trouble with sleeping. I've had insomnia since i was 12. If its insomnia week i will sleep a few hours every 2 days at most and that's now that im better. So sleep is definitely something i don't take for granted.

Which brings me to today writing this post. Very recently, the fire alarm went off where i hide out to work on my music. There is space for me to rest in there and i have neighbors that reside in that building. this particular week had been crazy, i mean SUPER busy. Busy with music which is AMAZING and wonderful but point is, I'm exhausted because on top of the fact that the week was packed with commitments, it was also insomnia week.

i have a routine where i listen to music, take a bath and have some tea. if i don't manage to fall asleep from that the routine at least gets me very relaxed and that's better than nothing. BUT the more i have been praying and meditating, the calmer my mind gets. and sometimes i get calm enough and tired enough from the combination of the meditation, bath and tea that i doze of...yay for me :)

so imagine putting this effort in hopes of even an hour of sleep when....the fire alarm goes off. i mean i was on clouds and then this Piercing aggravating sound from the pits of HELL yanked me out of my sleep. not only that, the ringing in my ears was so loud my EYES were reacting. I went postal. I mean the rage i felt....i even had a moment where i was thinking being this angry about this is not normal. but i really just couldn't believe this was happening when i was finally going to get some rest. I stepped out and was about to rip that fucking fire alarm off of the wall. and honestly, i wouldn't have felt bad about it if i had succeeded. I'm not an idiot, i know its there to protect me and I'm glad its that damn loud in case there ever is a fire. But there wasn't, it was going OFF and my ears were hurting and so were my eyes! and no one knew how to turn it off.

oh, as if the situation wasn't annoying enough my new lenses bother me and i had forgotten to take them off when i was dozed off so not only do i wake up to this annoying alarm that's so excruciatingly piercing you wanna kill whoever invented the damn fire alarm, my eyes were burning me from all effin directions...the sound and my lenses! it was just such an impossibly uncomfortable situation it did not feel real.
longer story short (lol) there i was trying to murder the fire detector and let me just say if i had had a bat nearby or if that detector had been anywhere closer within my reach, it woulda been the last time it went off.not.even.kidding.
with all of this said it was a good chance to see where i am in my growth. I'm glad that it took this much..random discomfort (lol) for me to have a strong reaction and get overwhelmed.I've definitely learned to shake off things of people that i feel provoke me and i only make the effort because most of the time people don't notice when they're are stepping out of line or really should mind their own business. but if it happens too many times then obviously a conversation or something needs to play out but I'm finding peace in my decisions to let small things go. I'm trying to mature into an adult i can be proud of. lashing out is not cute. its that simple. people definitely try me but then again, i don't really look like i bite do i? lol. I guess I'm just hoping we all reach a point where we weight our words and actions more.. so we don't bring out the worst in one another. and I'd really like to be able to have enough self distance to 'check' myself, when I'm out of line. Of course, i always have a family ready to do that FOR ME...in case i fail lol. xo